I'm a big thinker, and a big dreamer. I've wished and hoped my entire life, as people told me to wish more, to hope harder. I think it's difficult when you have such a clear vision of what your life could be; of what you could make of it someday. Because when things don't turn out the way you envisioned, it feels so disheartening.
I know exactly what I want. I have been working so hard on my life and on who I am, but if feels as though every time I accomplish one thing, another problem arises. Which I suppose is one of the beautiful parts of life. But it really sucks sometimes.
I've been stuck in what feels like a hazy, dizzying loop for a while now. It's this feeling of grasping at things that don't truly exist, but you think so surely that they're there. You see these things as clear as day, but each time you reach out, you come back empty handed. And time and space around you speeds up, leaving you behind.
I don't have many people in my life. I don't have much going on. Everything is exactly as it was last year, and the year before that, yet different at the same time. Everything just feels confusing.
I believe I've always been a relatively positive person, but it can be hard at this point to keep finding happiness in this life that I've been living. Everything feels dull and lifeless. And I'm desperately trying to figure out how to fix it.
One thing I've decided to implement this weekend was a daily to-do list of things to do in the morning and night after work. So I can prioritize things that are important to my emotional and spiritual well-being.
As far as what I can do for the long term, I'm not exactly sure yet. There's one particular dream of mine that I've been holding onto ever since I was a little girl. And I'm not ready to let it go. In fact, it's been taking place deeper into my heart and soul more and more in the recent years. At this point I really can't see myself doing anything else as a career in my life.
But I'm not sure it's something I can accomplish. I've been working at it hard every day, in spite of my exhaustion and numbness. I'm a true believer in hard work paying off, and if it's meant to be it'll be. I know that in a matter of time, things will all be falling into place.
~ Vera ♡
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